In 2006, I came for the first time into contact with the subject family constellations. Another coach let me create a constellation my family of origin, with the help of coffee mugs. The insights into hidden dynamics were straightaway surprising!
A description of a family formation
With a family constellation you can investigate why, for example, you cannot fully be yourself. Depending on your information, the supervisor can choose to start the constellation with both your parents and yourself. You ask three people in the present group to represent both your parents and yourself. Then you place them one by one in a spot in the room, by which you let your feelings guide you. It is remarkable that a representative often feels just like the family member he or she represents. The representatives are positioned in what we call the field.
Perhaps the representative for your father stands on the edge of this field and stares all the time at the floor. The representative for your mother stands in the middle of the field and looks at both her “husband” and the representative for you. The person who represents you does not know where to stand, he walks back and forth. It is possible that father is looking at the floor because he is connected to a young deceased brother – his fate is related to that of his brother. Mother seeks connection with him but also with you as their son. You miss the father in his place; you miss an example. You may notice an inner movement to stand in his place – you started “to care for the family” as a child. A movement that repeats itself in adulthood – but then, for instance, at work. You always take care of others.
The supervisor may choose first to bring both parents together, or to resolve the situation with the father. As soon as both parents stand next to each other, a certain serenity may arise in the field. And it becomes easier for you to take your place as their son. You notice that you can be more yourself. This example is a simplification of a family constellation, it broadly describes what can happen.
Cushions, lego and horses
In addition to working with people, it is possible that family members are represented via objects: cushions, lego (dolls), coffee mugs, or paper with the names of the people involved. This is useful when you are in an one-to-one session. In May 2019 I myself experienced a day, where two horses were used: very special and profound!
The starting point for family constellations is that you, I, everyone are a part of a bigger picture, which contains insights with regard to the questions we are struggling with.
The bigger picture
A family constellation falls under systemic work. You and I, we are part of systems: our family of origin (biological and possibly adoptive parents), your own family, your class, your school, your sports club, your department or team at work, your circle of friends, a group holiday travelers. But also the region where you live, or the country or society. A family constellation provides insight into the mutual relationships and hidden dynamics in a system. And which healing movements are needed, so that you can start living your life.
The core of systemic work is your place in the system: are you, as parent or child, in the right place? Is there a balance between giving and taking. Each member carries his own destiny. The family of origin as a system has a certain order: the parents (and possibly behind them the grandparents) and the children before them (in order of age). Up to seven generations going back in time can be dealt with in a constellation. In addition to the living, the dead also get their place. So, for example, a deceased brother who died at young age, or deceased (grand) grandparents, a miscarriage. Here we immediately have the bigger picture.
It does not mean that exploring your question via a constellation is easy! A hidden dynamic is often so deeply anchored in yourself that it takes time to accept and let it be which cannot be changed. In addition letting go is part of it: that which does not belong to you but to another family member. Deep inner uncertainty and pain may be felt.
Symptoms
Visible and tangible symptoms indicate that something else is hiding beneath the surface:
- fear of disapproval
- fears that you cannot explain
- the lack of decisiveness
- feeling depressed
- being sensitive to diseases
- feeling not to live your life
- difficult to take care of your boundaries
- always in the need for control
- forgetting yourself, being invisible
- relationship problems
- bear too much or too little responsibility
Confusion in the system
If there are family members who are not in their place, then the system will be confused. The balance between giving and taking is disturbed: more is given than taken. The system is no longer in balance. You feel responsible to restore the lost balance, so that the system can continue to exist.
If father is away from home a lot because of his work, then you, as the eldest son, might take his place. It can be literal, but certainly figuratively. The inner movement to take care of the mother and any brothers and sisters is there. As an adult you make this visible at work by taking care of others. “If I don’t do it, nobody will.”
You are being loyal to a family member or the system. If your brothers and / or sisters are married and have children, you should be able to do that too. And then it turns out to be unsuccessful: relationships which fail, and possible no children of your own.
You like to mediate at work and in your private life. It may arise from the place that you took up among your parents, who for instance have grown apart, trying to bring them back together.
Perhaps you always put yourself in a parent position, reprimanding other people. You have taken the place of one of the parents.
You walk away from intimacy in your life, you feel ashamed of it. It may be that the bond between you and your parents was ever broken.
Or you miss your personal development because you are entangled with someone else in the system. Or you bear the burden and responsibility on behalf of someone else in the system.
Exploring your question
Do you recognize your own situation in the above? Would you like to explore your question? It is not about being right or wrong, or pointing fingers. Realize, that your parents were once children, and so were your grandparents. Hidden dynamics often work through several generations. And getting caught in this means that you cannot give form to your personal life.
Have a conversation with a coach, counselor or therapist. Ask if you can explore your question in a one-on-one session, a confidential and secure environment. You can share what concerns you. It is not necessary to raise your question straightaway in a group of people you don’t know and could feel unsafe with. Of course you can also contact me with your questions; see the different contact options at the bottom of the screen.